a) STORY
Is the story, idea, plot, dialogue authentic and believable?
The story is so convoluted. They can’t go 5 minutes without contradicting themselves, you can tell that there were massive re-shoots and edits made to this movie because it feels like 7 different movies mashed together. The dialogue itself is cringey beyond belief and the wooden line readings don’t help.
Is it original?
This film rips off so many other recent films like Tomb Raider, Men in Black, Blade Runner, and a Wrinkle in Time just to name a few and it doesn’t add anything to the equation.
Did you care about the main characters, why?
The movie is called Artemis Fowl, but they do nothing to develop his character. None of the characters have any sort of arc, they all just mumble around a green screen for an hour and a half.
Did the sub-plots work? Why?
This movie has no plots, nothing happens, it is just building up to a sequel that we will never get.
Why would you, or wouldn’t you, recommend it to a film class?
I wouldn’t recommend this movie to my enemies! Maybe if you are super high and you click on it by accident on Disney+ you could have a good time roasting the movie with some friends.
Story Score: 0/100
b) ACTING
Were the actors believable, natural?
I can’t believe this kid was cast in this role. Could they really not find an Irish boy who could act? Whenever this kid did ADR, he would just whisper his lines and in front of the camera, he’s like a 6-year-old who was forced by his music teacher to be in the school play. All the unknowns here suck, when they talk, they sound like Dora when she asks the kids watching if they see Swiper (you know what I am talking about). Josh Gad and Dame Judi Dench are here, probably as a favor to their Orient Express director and friend Kenneth Branagh who also directed this. In a scene between the two, Josh Gad says “[we are] grunting at each other like a pair of hippos with a throat infection” and that is exactly what they sound like. The extras here are also really bad, the scene in Italy was horribly acted, and even the extras who played the fairy police people were weak, there was a scene where they are supposed to be in formation and there is one extra who is standing in a completely different way than the others.
What was the best acted scene in the film, why?
No scene in this film is well acted but, I kid you not, there is a scene where a spaceship door opens, Dame Judi Dench is standing there in some shades, we pan in on her, she looks right at the camera and says, “Top o’ the Mornin’.” The fact that she was able to deliver that line in her Irish Batman voice without laughing is an achievement.
Who was the best actor? Why? Would you cast the actor? For what role?
Colin Farrell is in 2 scenes, but he did the best job. He sold his relationship with his emotionless son and played his torture scenes well.
Acting Score: 10/100
c) TECHNICAL
How did the following elements influence the mood of the film:
Cinematography?
The way they framed these shots were weird.
Editing?
The editing is the real villain in the movie, it is so choppy and all over the place. There is an action scene that is the worst editing I’ve ever seen in my life. They also cut out many of the coolest shots in the trailers, including all the scenes that featured Golden Globe nominee Hong Chau.
VFX?
They have been working on this movie for so long and yet the VFX look like they haven’t rendered.
Set design?
We spend most of our time in Fowl Manor which looks like every other manor we’ve seen.
Costumes?
The costumes were also weak, but I will say that Dame Judi Dench looked pretty dope. I liked her pointy hair and ears, the all green suit and gloves, it was a good look for her.
Technical Score: 5/100
d) ADD
Add up the marks of your review
15/300.
Give the film a total percentage.
5%
Fun Fact.
Robert De Niro is an executive producer on this and at one point Harvey Weinstein was once attached as a producer.
Make a concluding sentence or paragraph.
This film has been in development hell for 19 years and sometimes it was just never meant to be. I think the author of this book was just desperate to get a film adaption done that quality didn’t matter.
Artemis Fowl is NOW STREAMING exclusively on Disney+
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